Overthinking

Sam sat in the back of the meeting, wishing he was not himself, wishing he was in a different place or situation. His mind had trapped him here and was preventing him from moving. There were no chairs in front of him and nothing blocking him from moving forward, to his right there was nobody sitting there preventing him from moving that way either. Yet the person sitting directly to his right and his own mind prevented him from shifting even upon the seat he was sitting upon. He stole a glance at her out of the corner of his eye and once again wondered to himself what it would be like to be going out with her or to even ask her out to begin with, and with that his mind took off running, it was almost a blessing from the uncomfortable position his mind had trapped him in already, and yet it was the same predicament just played out.

***

The meeting had ended and here he stood in front of her. People filed out of the meeting hall but they were of little worry or concern to Sam. They chatted calmly while inside Sam screamed, finally Sam built up a burst of courage " I was wondering if maybe I could take you out this weekend" No that wouldn't work. 

Time rewound.

"I was wondering if maybe you would be interested in poss--" That would never work, it mught never even reach the question.

Rewind.

Would you maybe be interested in going to dinner and a movie with me." Wait was that asking to much, oh and great way to end things sitting in a dark room wondering if you chose the right movie, wondering if you made a good impression at dinner, wondering if all she could think about was when would this end and you drop her home.

Rewind.

"Would you be interested in going out this weekend?" Freeze. Was that too soft, too eager, forget it and let the chips fall where they may. Resume.

She burst out laughing "Really?!??!?" Her laughter caused the whole room to turn and the laughter spread as people at the meeting realized what had happened. Freeze. She would never respond like that nor would anyone at the meeting laugh if she somehow did. Rewind.

She looked pained, "Look Sam, you are a good friend, but I don't feel about you that way." Freeze. Maybe, but that isn't too bad and at least you know now. Rewind. 

She smiled at the thought, "Of course. I am busy..." His mind finished running through likely responses and in typical fashion even managed to keep up his end of bumbling around trying to ask.

***

He was back in the chair and his mind once again latched on to the last two responses and provided further details. Suggesting maybe if he had to ask the second would be best, still friends if slightly awkward, but it was best not to even ask. Another part of his mind chimed in quietly but firmly bringing up the end results of previous attempts to try and point out he should ask and even if he got the third one and things fell apart he had a good track record.

***

His mind brought up who would always be in his mind the first girl he had felt the stirrings of potential love or actual love, his own mind could not even categorize it. Friends for almost a year they had been on a vacation together with a group of other friends, about halfway through the vacation she had admitted she might have some of the same feeling he had previously (and stunningly poorly) expressed for her. The last few days were amazing, holding hands hanging out, spending almost every minute he could with her, they had never kissed, he wasn't sure why but it never happened. When they got back home, they reverted back to friendship, though he tried to keep things going a bit and now they were still good close friends and now she was married so they would never be more than that.

The next was slightly more disastorous and yet was his first girlfriend sprang to mind, He asked her out, she said yes. They went out, yet by the third time he knew it likely would never last, he never felt as relaxed as around the girl from the vacation among other things and yet he was afraid to break things off. The Barenaked Ladies song "Break Your Heart" popped into his head, and while that may be part of it, he had to admit to himself he liked having a girlfriend and that stopped him from admitting what he knew deep down. They broke up and remained friends till she moved away and eventually he lost contact.

The third example was in a way the most and least disastrous and yet he was still friends and there was now dating or anything he had just been blind to things till he stepped back and looked at things objectively.

The first voice had to get its licks in pointing out that many of the women were now married including the first girl he asked out straight and who said yes, then backed out at a later date.

The the voice had to chime in about the one who-- Sam ruthlessly cut off his mind and brought himself back to the meeting.

***

So he remained sitting here in the meeting, right next to the girl he liked afraid to move closer for fear she wasn't interested and might assume he was trying to be too forward, and afraid to move away for fear she might think he wasn't interested. He silently cursed his mind for running through so many scenarios, for letting his fears control him and wished he could build up the courage to just ask and calm his mind down.